Pep’s Peculiar Player Grades!…
In a season fit for a football soap opera, Manchester City’s grand adventure ends with zilch shiny stuff but a golden ticket to the Champions League. At first, they were hotter than a halftime pie under stadium lights, strutting unbeaten until the Pumpkin Spice Latte season. The wheels fell off faster than a clown car when Rodri’s leg decided to take an everlasting nap and injuries played musical chairs with the squad. Pep’s magical tiki-taka toolkit witnessed 15 mind-boggling defeats, culminating in a shampoo commercial-worthy hair-tearing session. But like a phoenix from the ashes or a cat that always lands on its feet, City wrapped things up by moonwalking into a top-five finish and another world-famous FA Cup final.
Man City’s star pupils have been rated, and not since Miss Teacher marked an ‘A’ on a banana peel has scoring been done with such creativity! Ederson was like a goalkeeper and midfielder combined, dishing out assists like pizza slices, landing a whopping 7 for his dry-cleaned antics. Meanwhile, Walker indulged in more goal-giving charity than a mob boss with a soft spot and earned a catastrophic 3. Over at Comedy Club de Brasil, Haaland’s 31 golazos were reviewed like a movie critic’s harsh take — overshadowed by goals that fizzled like soggy crackers after a rain dance, pegging him at a 7.
Some players tangoed with form like ballroom dancers led by blindfolded partners, with Lewis scoring notable six-pointers with his disappearing reappearing act. The drama of Silvas’ multiple personalities on the pitch might soon grip the West End thanks to his vision-defying 7! O’Reilly is the castaway who found Wi-Fi; after being discovered mid-season, he said, ‘Hello, City!’ His performance was more electrifying than a Christmas light showdown, earning him an impressive 8. Forget alarms, Pep’s squad needs naptimes between matches for a better encore next season!
